My son was conceived in my hometown of Santa Fe, New Mexico. His mother was a childhood sweetheart. When we were teenagers, we lived together in Santa Fe for about a year, and then for about six months in New York City.
After not seeing each other for about ten years, we started hanging out again when she started breezing through town from time to time. She would call me up and say she was going to be in town for a few days, and we would perhaps spend the weekend together. She was traveling around a lot, so when we did see each other it was usually for only a day or two at a time. After an intimate encounter she would always say something like, "...by the way, I'm leaving for Thailand on Monday. Don't know when I'll see you again..." The last time this happened, she said "...by the way I'm leaving for Tucson on Monday to take care of a sick friend..." That was the last I had heard from her until two months later, when she called me to say she was pregnant and she was going to give birth.
I was not unhappy to hear about her pregnancy. Although we didn't plan to have a child, we had talked with each other about what it would be like once on a weekend camping trip. I told her I would support her any way I could: I offered to marry her; I asked if she wanted me to move to Tucson; I asked if she would like to move to Santa Fe; I said if she wanted to live with me, I would take care of all the living expenses; I said if she wanted to have her own place, I would help out any way I could. After some time she called me to say she would live with me in Santa Fe. We made arrangements for me to go to Tucson, and move her stuff to Santa Fe. I reserved a big rental truck for the weekend of the planned move. I kicked out my room-mate, cleaned my rented house from top to bottom, painted all the walls, spruced up the grounds and did a dump run; the place looked beautiful. Then, just two weeks before the planned move she came to visit. She took one look around the place and said "Why is everything so clean? I'm not going to live here." then she drove back to Tucson. I canceled the moving truck and looked for a room-mate.
When she went into labor I called her at the hospital and told her I could be in Tucson, within eight hours. She said she didn't want me to be there and asked me not to come. She chose to leave my name off of the birth certificate. Regardless of our agreement that if she were to give birth to a boy, I would name him and, if a girl, she would name her, she gave my son a first name that I never would have chosen for him; her own middle name; and her own last name.
She asked me for money often, even before my son was born, but she refused to discuss a parenting plan. I sent her what I could at first, but when she continued to refuse to discuss a parenting plan I encouraged her to file for child support. I mistakenly believed that the court would hear the custody/visitation issue at the same time as the support issue--unfortunately for my son and I, this was not true. Although she was appointed an attorney who spoke for her at the hearing, I couldn't afford one and none was provided to me. The New Mexico court refused to hear the custody issue and said I must petition the courts in Arizona for visitation. The courts were happy to award her with a generous support order even though she was making approximately four times what I was at the time. I was practically living in poverty when I was ordered to make these exorbitant payments; the added financial burden made it almost impossible for me to visit my son in Tucson, much less bring a paternity action in the Arizona courts on his behalf.
Even though the job-market was horrible I didn't want to move away from Santa Fe, because by then I was halfway through the paralegal program at the Santa Fe Community College. I struggled to make my support payments and continue my schooling. I still visited my son whenever I could. Although Arizona guidelines recommend it, she refused when I asked her if she would share travel expenses in exchanging my son. She has never let my son spend Christmas, Thanksgiving or Summer Break with my half of his family, essentially robbing him of his right to a relationship with his grandmother, three aunts and multitude of cousins. She sometimes even brought my son to Santa Fe, without telling me about it. Although she did all she could to restrict and control my contact with my son, she was at least somewhat cooperative and let me have my son (at my own expense and with no reduction in child support) for a couple of weeks at time when he was very young. However, after she became involved with some weird aggressive guy who she eventually married, she became increasingly uncooperative about discussing visitation. Eventually, she refused to speak with me at all; effectively completely alienating me from my son. I was reduced to leaving unanswered messages month after month in an attempt to have any kind of contact with my son. She started to encourage my son to call her husband "Dad," and to refer to me as "Daddy Dave." Her husband even assaulted me during an exchange: "Your a little piece of sh*** I oughta kick your ass!" he yelled in my face while poking his finger in my chest--my son was barely outside of hearing range when that happened.Had my son not been so close by, I might have followed my instinct to break his finger and jaw--this guy is much larger than me and I was considerably intimidated; I am glad that I was able to control my fear. As I was driving away, me, my girlfriend, and my nephew all witnessed her as she stuck her finger high in the air (in full view of my son) as we were driving away. I had not witnessed such atrocious behavior in anyone since high-school. Their bizarre and belligerent behavior made me more determined than ever that I would do all in my power to rescue my son from the obvious insanity he was being raised in.
I tried and tried to get her to discuss a parenting plan, but she continued to refuse. I left message after message on their answering machine, but sometimes there would be no answer for months on end. The result of all of these things combined was that it was nearly impossible for me to have contact with my son, and I was financially unable to bring a suit on his behalf.
I finally finished the paralegal program at the community college, but was still having trouble finding steady work in Santa Fe, and my financial situation was getting worse. I decided to move to the North Bay area of California, where I have some family. Demographic research showed that I would find work there as well. The move took all of my remaining resources and I lived in my car for several months while I tried to get situated in California. Finally, I was able to get on my feet and find regular work. As soon as I was financially able, I planned a visit with my son. I had given up trying to speak with his mother about seeing him, but I sent her an email begging for some visitation. She replied that I could visit with my son for a few hours at a time under the supervision of she or her husband. That was the last straw, I couldn't stomach the idea of being supervised around my own son by someone who had attacked me--I told her that I didn't recognize her husband's authority to supervise my visitation with my son and that after the way he had behaved the last time I saw him, I didn't think it was a good idea for him to be around at all. Then she insisted that I meet with she and her family counselor as a precondition of allowing me to see my son, which I quickly agreed to.
I decided I would bring the paternity action. Because I couldn't afford an attorney, I prepared the papers as best as I could by myself and planned my trip to Arizona. I would couple the visit with my son and the filing of the paternity action into one trip. I met with her and her family counselor. I made it very clear at the meeting that I wanted some kind of a parenting plan initiated immediately. We all agreed to meet the following day so we could prepare a plan. I had already filed the paternity action, but I could still abort the process by not serving her.
After the meeting with her and her therapist, I visited with my son for about three and a half hours with his mother present. We had a great time and my son was very affectionate. She had said she could stay until five-thirty, but at five she said it was getting late and they must go. When I got back to my hotel room I called to remind her that we were to meet at the therapists the following day. On the following day I met with the therapist at the appointed time to discuss the parenting plan, but she didn't show up. She did show up later to supervise a few more hours of my visitation with my son, but there was no mention of a parenting plan. I decided to go through with the suit. After another great afternoon at the amusement park with my son, she was kind enough to let me take him in my car while we all drove to the mall. My son told me again how much he loved me and how he wanted to come stay with me at my place. We went to the mall and I bought him a book and then we all walked out to the parking lot and I hugged kissed him goodbye. He squeezed me again as hard as he could then got in his mother's car and looked very sad. My heart broke as I headed to the airport and flew home. I flew from San Francisco to Tucson, and only got to spend a total of about six hours with my son. She has always dictated everything regarding my son and I have had no say what so ever about any aspect of his upbringing. In my opinion she and her husband have tortiously interfered with my relationship with my son and his right to have a relationship with his father, but I doubt if I could ever get a court in this country to agree.
Once she was served with the paternity suit, she came up with $5,000 to hire an attorney right away and a hearing was scheduled. About six months later at the hearing, things did not go well. Even though I understood it to be standard procedure in the family courts where there were allegations of violence, my request for a restraining order against her husband was refused and I had to present my case with my attacker sitting right there in the courtroom. I went to go find a bailiff (apparently none was appointed to the courtroom, again in spite of my allegations of domestic violence) in order to reduce the intimidation factor. Without the bailiff sitting behind me, I would have been alone in the courtroom against her, her expensive attorney, and her aggressive husband. The judge basically refused to let me speak at the hearing and she didn't look at any of the volumes of evidence I brought. She spent a lot of time lecturing me about how rude I was, and smiling at the expensive attorney. She looked at me with hatred in her eyes and pointed at me as she pontificated. I cried as I tried in vain to get the judge to see see how committed I was to being in my son's life.
It wasn't a complete waste of time bringing the suit, though. Although I disagreed with the judge's rhetoric; it took all of my emotional and financial resources; and I still have no parenting/visitation rights, at least my son will know that I did all that was in my power to fight for his well-being. That is about all I can say though... his mother is still not cooperative about communicating with me, but the judge did rule that I could have at least one phone-conversation per week with my son on a specific day. I was ordered to pay $2,000 of her lawyers' fees which makes absolutely no sense to me, because if I could have afforded attorney's fees I would have hired one to represent my son's interests in the suit I brought on his behalf. Nevertheless, considering the judges obvious hatred of me, I was just glad I hadn't been ordered to pay all of her lawyer fees. It is definitely not productive to get the courts involved, unless you can afford a good attorney. It is easy to see why so many fathers flip out when trying to deal with the system. I definitely recommend getting an attorney if you can. Here is a link that might help: Need Legal Help? Use the LegalMatch Priority Service to Find Pre-screened Lawyers in Your Area Now!
Fortunately, my son has not yet been turned completely against me--when I visit with him he displays great affection. He often tells me he would like to spend more time with me and come visit me at my new home in California. He does display a lot of anger and frustration though, and some of the questions that he asks are hard for me to answer. His questions and remarks suggest that he may have overheard his mother and step-father saying some unpleasant things about me or discussing other matters which a child should be left out of.
The implications of my story are scary and should not be ignored. Arizona has the highest number of single mothers--I believe it is because women are taking advantage of this loophole in the law: If one parent takes a child out of the state without telling the other, it is considered child abduction, but if a woman takes an unborn fetus out of the state and gives birth in another state, she can then long-arm the father for child support in the state where the child was conceived, and she never has to let him see his child. If you want to enforce your paternal rights you must petition the courts wherever she has gone off to.
I started this page partly as an outlet for myself. Since the judge would not let me speak at the hearing, I had to find some way to get my story out. If you are an attorney reading this and you would like to help my son and I, please contact me. Anyone who wishes to contribute to our legal fund can do so by clicking on the "Donate" button below:
The implications of my story are scary and should not be ignored. Arizona has the highest number of single mothers--I believe it is because women are taking advantage of this loophole in the law: If one parent takes a child out of the state without telling the other, it is considered child abduction, but if a woman takes an unborn fetus out of the state and gives birth in another state, she can then long-arm the father for child support in the state where the child was conceived, and she never has to let him see his child. If you want to enforce your paternal rights you must petition the courts wherever she has gone off to.
I started this page partly as an outlet for myself. Since the judge would not let me speak at the hearing, I had to find some way to get my story out. If you are an attorney reading this and you would like to help my son and I, please contact me. Anyone who wishes to contribute to our legal fund can do so by clicking on the "Donate" button below:
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